Depression

I suffer from mild depression.

But these days, its considered as a common topic, not one that most students, like myself, seem to want to talk about...because it's seen as another factor that determines whether you're weak or strong.

Depression, i'm not completely sure how to describe or explain it...
Everyone's story is different in some way, but it always affects us the same way.

I'll tell my story,
I left school and started college, maybe that's where it all started?
I chose to do something completely different from everyone else, instead of studying A levels, i decided to choose a specific course and study BTEC.

Do i regret it?
No, not at all.

But soon after i left, everything started to become...empty.
My way of thinking changed more and more as time passed until i almost 'changed' completely, as someone would call it.
I stopped contacting my friends, those that i had spent years with laughing and smiling with, cancelled and ignored, for no particular reason...
I stopped drawing and painting, something that i had loved my whole life, and instead spent the days inside, curled up in bed, thinking about why i made the choices that i did...
trying to lock myself up and away from the world, hoping time would just stop...for once.

I didn't want to interact, socialise or even talk for that matter...
people i knew approached me and said
'you changed so much'
and i reply the same thing everytime
'everyone changes'
My appetite changes daily...some days i can eat a whole 3 course meal, some days i'm okay with living off a packet of crisps..

but i knew what they meant...
some people really do change over time, but it can be both in a good way...and bad way.

i spent the next year, trying to act the way i used to, when i used to be 'myself', pretending as if nothing was going on inside.

Would you believe me if i told you that i was one of the individuals that was always smiling and cracking jokes, cheerful for no reason and always care free..
Things change right?

Things like this...they aren't easy to talk about to friends or family... maybe thats why im writing blogs about them instead?
this may sound silly but i'd rather tell a complete stranger my troubles and issues than talk about it with anyone close to me.
I don't want them to see me as the person with 'issues', or just generally change their opinion about me.

I'm still in college, but i'd be lying if i told you that i never thought about leaving it all behind, suicidal thoughts are rare for me.. but that doesn't mean that they're not there.

Waking up everyday and finding the motivation and determination to get myself out of bed and do something productive or social, whether its in college or not, is non-existent for me.

The countless days I've called in sick to college just to stay in bed all day, trying to calm my mind by sleeping in a dark room for the whole day.
'are you a vampire?'
my sister asked once when she came into the room laughing

no...but, i'd take being a vampire any day over this.

My story never really ended, its still going...and i guess, little by little...its getting better.