Depression

I suffer from mild depression.

But these days, its considered as a common topic, not one that most students, like myself, seem to want to talk about...because it's seen as another factor that determines whether you're weak or strong.

Depression, i'm not completely sure how to describe or explain it...
Everyone's story is different in some way, but it always affects us the same way.

I'll tell my story,
I left school and started college, maybe that's where it all started?
I chose to do something completely different from everyone else, instead of studying A levels, i decided to choose a specific course and study BTEC.

Do i regret it?
No, not at all.

But soon after i left, everything started to become...empty.
My way of thinking changed more and more as time passed until i almost 'changed' completely, as someone would call it.
I stopped contacting my friends, those that i had spent years with laughing and smiling with, cancelled and ignored, for no particular reason...
I stopped drawing and painting, something that i had loved my whole life, and instead spent the days inside, curled up in bed, thinking about why i made the choices that i did...
trying to lock myself up and away from the world, hoping time would just stop...for once.

I didn't want to interact, socialise or even talk for that matter...
people i knew approached me and said
'you changed so much'
and i reply the same thing everytime
'everyone changes'
My appetite changes daily...some days i can eat a whole 3 course meal, some days i'm okay with living off a packet of crisps..

but i knew what they meant...
some people really do change over time, but it can be both in a good way...and bad way.

i spent the next year, trying to act the way i used to, when i used to be 'myself', pretending as if nothing was going on inside.

Would you believe me if i told you that i was one of the individuals that was always smiling and cracking jokes, cheerful for no reason and always care free..
Things change right?

Things like this...they aren't easy to talk about to friends or family... maybe thats why im writing blogs about them instead?
this may sound silly but i'd rather tell a complete stranger my troubles and issues than talk about it with anyone close to me.
I don't want them to see me as the person with 'issues', or just generally change their opinion about me.

I'm still in college, but i'd be lying if i told you that i never thought about leaving it all behind, suicidal thoughts are rare for me.. but that doesn't mean that they're not there.

Waking up everyday and finding the motivation and determination to get myself out of bed and do something productive or social, whether its in college or not, is non-existent for me.

The countless days I've called in sick to college just to stay in bed all day, trying to calm my mind by sleeping in a dark room for the whole day.
'are you a vampire?'
my sister asked once when she came into the room laughing

no...but, i'd take being a vampire any day over this.

My story never really ended, its still going...and i guess, little by little...its getting better.

Anxiety

Well, this is my first time writing a blog...great topic right?

Anxiety.

I'm not talking about the everyday 'anxiety struggles',

 I'm talking about mild anxiety disorder. Its something i have to live with, and i know that i'm not the only one that is affected by this on a daily basis, but i just wanted to share one of my many secrets and tell you about it, yes you. 

Anxiety, it needs to be talked about more, don't you think?

Anxiety prevents an average person from living their daily life freely, constant worry and thoughts that make them overflow with emotions, worrying about every situation that they went though in the past, are going through or will go through soon in the future. 

Despite what it is... whether its school work, college, friends, family or just a simple situation.

Many people don't understand that its a serious topic, its not exactly something that can be joked around, especially when it affects someones life in the way that it does.

I used to be the type of person that would constantly go out with my friends and family and have a great time without any thoughts coming to my mind, its strange... i'm not sure what happened nor since when i have had it but one thing's for sure, it stopped me from doing the things i normally do... including meeting friends and family. 

There's nothing worse than walking through a public space and seeing other people stare at you, despite what you're wearing, the thoughts that come to my mind completely break me.

'Do i really look that ugly today?' 'I shouldn't have bought these clothes.'

'Is my makeup messed up?' 'This is why i don't have friends'

Anxiety changed me, but its also something that i have to deal with...i rarely leave my house, because the thought of someone judging me drives me crazy...

I've distanced myself from my friends, in thought of them seeing me the way i see myself...

Messed Up.

It's not something that comes up in conversation, so nobody really knows this about me, but what would change if they knew?

I've had past experiences where I've told my friends my secrets, although in the end, they all just left, and the idea of them telling anyone else makes me anxious.

Does anyone else feel the same? 

If you're in the same situation i am, just know that you're not alone..

Well...

This is one of my many secrets that I've got to tell, im not sure whether anyone will read any of my blogs but...that doesn't mean i wont be posting them! Mina is out ;)