trying to write it out in bits and pieces

Things get overwelming sometines in life. Sometimes they just feel like too much too handle. But yet there is always some hope somewhere. There is always someone somewhere out there who is willing to offer you help even if that help is some encouragement. Alls I have ever needed in my life is people to care about and love me. I have need to be shown by people I matter and that my life is worth something. My parents never showed me that. My parents showed my siblings that to vary degrees but did not really show them that fully either.




My father was never really in my life and when he was he was high. When he did want us to spend time over his house we were there to clean, take care of his second family, go out and pick trash for cans so he could turn them in for money to buy his marijuana, and for us to be seen and not heard unless spoken to. He taught us that women were nothing and men were GOD's. He taught us to fight and snet us to fight with neighbors children when him and his neighbors had difficulties. But for the most part he was not really in my life when I was young. That was more from the ages of 12-15. when I was young and in the system he came to visit me when I was in residential at St. Anns Home very few times and at times when he was supposed to visit and had set visits up he would not show up.



My mom has always physcially been in my life but never really been there emotionally and mentally. I more needed her emotionally than I needed her physically I believe. Her fake care physically in front of social workers and therapist didnot make up for her lack of care emotionally and mentally when I came home when I was 11 and she was emotionally, mentally. and physcially abuseive towards me more than any of the other kids. I was the oldest of the 4 of us and maybe I should have the most responsibilties but I was still a child not the parent, not her boyfriends sex partner when she was not home and working nights, not the slave to do the dishes all the time or clean the house, and not the one responsible for all the fuckups whenever something went wrong. But I was the one who ended up with the consequences from most of it most ofthe time. I was the target of most of her anger. Though her boyfriend stepped inbetween her and I when she was physically abusing me at times and it caused them more arguments i paid a bigger price for it with his sexual abuse. Though at the time I did not recognize it and just knew it felt good, I needed someone to love me, and he seemed to care about me. Though i knew it should not be happening and was wrong for an adult to be with a child or young teenage gir I said nothing. In a way it feels as if it was my fault. I was in therapy and had opportunity to disclose and stop it but did not. instead I let it happen. Instead I felt as if I had to keep letting it happen even during the times i did not want it to happen and it did not feel good because he protected me, gave me things, and stuck up for me with my mom when she was abusing me physically. But he could not stop her emotinal and mental abuse which is what has harmed me most. Even to this day her words still echo in mind alot when I make decisions in my life. Her words still effect my life regularly. She will still at times tell me i am stupid when I make my mind up to do something she disagrees with or she does not want me to do. Or she tells me why dont you want to look nice if i cut my hair or do not wear the clothes she wants me to wear. Sometimes if feels as if nothing I do will ever satisify her or make her happy. I will never be able to make her proud of me and I can never make her love and care about me.





I will continue this later.....