january 20, 2008

I feel trapped with endless amounts of shame and guilt that I have inside. It keeps me tied down and unable to become what my kids will need most when and if the desire to find me years from now. these painful and heart wrenching memories continue stabbing me deep in my already shredded heart that seems more and more unfixable as the days go by and my pains continue not to subside. I continue to think about how someone else is holding them and comforting them through this difficult time in their lives like they have been for the past 2 years and cant help to feel like these thoughts are unbearable and I feel the suffocation as my many thoughts race through my mind and penetrate my soul. I know I will never get rid of this heartache and mend my broken heart. Without them I am not whole and don't believe I ever will feel whole without them in my life. No one will ever know how empty I feel without them and this burning pain I have in my heart will not subside as long as they are gone from my life. I am blinded by the fear I feel not knowing where they are how they are doing and seeing that they are okay without me there by their sides. I wish that someday I will mean something to them and be important in their lives but yet I somehow doubt I will even matter to any of them. I know that they may not want anything to do with me and that will hurt and be more devastating knowing I waited all those years and none of them care to have me in their lives. I just want to end my own life before that occurs and it is so unbearable that I take my life then and they feel it was there fault for not wanting me around. I continue to struggle day after day with these unthinkable thoughts and wonder if it is best just for me not to wait and get it over with now. if I were just able to provide them with the world and give them all they needed wanted and yearned for and I lost them then I may not feel so alone and ashamed of myself for failing them. I would know I did all I could but none of that is true I know I gave up way before I should have and didn't have it in me to fight for them. as much as I try to avoid the reality of it all I know deep in my soul the truth and know that there were many things I should have done starting years ago when they were younger although they are still young I should have did many things that I just continued to let go and rather turn away as if none of it was important. But in reality it was what destroyed us as a family. My failure to protect them and give them what they deserved safety and stability.